The last six months have been a journey, and for sure my journey to health has been the biggest, but there is more to share. Family, death, life, school, work, and emotions I feel like need to be shared as well. These are things that have helped me grow, even at the worst moments, and I don’t regret “having” any of them.
I’m going to work through this a little backwards, but I’m not sure how to organize all these thoughts, so please bear with me. I chose to go back to school this year, back in September. I felt so incredibly blessed to have that opportunity, though nervous since it meant Caleb would also be attending preschool. I was on this path to become a special education teacher, specifically for deaf children in public schools. I was doing double duty taking classes at both the local college and the adult education. I excelled in my adult ed. classes. My grades were near perfect/perfect, and that really boosted my confidence. I became a happier person because I’d actually gotten out of the house and made connections with other people for the first time in a long time, and that was great. Until it wasn’t. I’d go home every day exhausted, not wanting to do anything, and my heart would ache because of the time spent away from my family. Caleb loved preschool, like really loved it and excelled. He was in the three year old classroom at only two years old, and could out count/letter/color the kids. Yes, I’m totally taking a moment to boast about my kiddo, because I’m just so proud of his love for knowledge. Though I can’t take all the credit. Shout out to Rachel Coleman and the others at Two Little Hands Productions for helping him learn so many incredible things, such as photosynthesis… Anyway. I was getting more and more depressed. The college classes were online each night, and I was falling farther and farther behind. I managed to pass one of the three, but I regretted taking them online at all. My time was being eaten by school, and my family was suffering. The house was no where near clean enough, Caleb didn’t have my full attention even when I was home, and Corey and I were running on opposite schedules. School is finally over as of two weeks ago, and I couldn’t be happier. I have made the decision to change paths a little bit. I’m going to work on earning the money I’ll need to be a certified Signing Time instructor. My true passion is language access for all children, and I think this will be the ultimate career for me, because not only will I be helping children and parents learn to sign, but I won’t have to be away from Caleb the same way I would teaching in public schools. We are still on a home school path, and teaching just isn’t realistic for our lives. I am grateful for the last school year, but I’m also glad to know that it wasn’t the correct path for me.
So where does that leave me currently for work is the question… Well, in my last post I talked a little about the dinner that inspired my new “lifestyle” (diet) plan. Those dinners are weekly and I met a wonderful woman because of it. A few weeks in she told us she was opening up a daycare in her home, because she was ready to stay home with her daughter instead of her having to be in daycare. A few weeks later she asked me to babysit her kiddos one night while she went on a much needed date with her husband. I of course agreed, because I LOVE watching children and can understand that need for some hubby time. Her daughter and I absolutely bonded, and she bonded with Caleb as well. I understood her. Her mother and I both practice peaceful parenting, and it made it very easy to work with her. Later that night, as her mom drove me home she said, “So, tonight was a test. Normally by the end of the night the baby sitter is running, because (daughter) can be a bit much. She loved you though. Which leads me to this… Would you be interested in working with me at the daycare?” Cue total excitement and a ridiculous amount of “YES YES YES” coming out of me. I am now her substitute and three days a week for half the day co-teacher, and it’s perfect… because Caleb gets to come with me! She knew that was important to me, which is part of why she offered the job to me. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity, and I adore all of the kids we have. They are all so unique and have some awesome quirks. And I have to add… I love being able to contribute even a little money to the home instead of leaving it all for Corey. It’s a great feeling.
Life and death are hard to separate. My two best girl friends are both pregnant. I am so excited for both of them. One little squish, and one shine… Those babies are already very much loved by all of those around them. I’m over-joyed to be part of their growth before and after birth. Now, for the selfishness, I’m absolutely jealous of them both. Yes, I already have Caleb and he will always be all I really need. However, Corey and I have been trying for another baby for over a year now with no progress being made, and the green eyed monster in me pokes my heart whenever I hear someone I love is pregnant. That doesn’t mean I’m any less happy for them, it just means I’m a little bit sad for myself… I don’t think that’s a bad thing really. I also can’t help it. I wish I could, I want to just be nothing but happy, but the reality is my heart is big enough for many kiddos. I’m okay with only ever giving birth to Caleb. In another three years and two months (when I turn 25) we will start the process to become foster parents and work towards adopting. It annoys me that you can’t foster till you’re twenty five. I mean really, can a twenty two year old not show a child without a home love and care? I think they can, but…
Another aspect of life and death though… Death. Where I live is over run with heroin. It’s a real tragedy for my state/area. Not long ago, I found out that one of my cousins over-dosed and died from his heroin use. Now we weren’t especially close, and his death alone didn’t really have an affect on me, but I am very close with his mom and one of his sisters… Seeing their pain has triggered me immensely. I feel their pain, I feel how deep their hurt is, and I know that I have no way to make that pain go away. I feel angry that there are people making this dangerous choice, especially people with family that is so willing to help them (emotionally and financially) get clean. I’m mad that his two children will grow up without a father because of his choices. So, despite us not being close, ever since his death something very weird has been happening. I see him everywhere! Mostly in cars driving by. I see him, and I feel angry and sad. Those words don’t even come close to describing the true feeling though… Maybe fear would be closer. The people around us could be gone in a second, with no warning, and that is terrifying. `
So in my last post I talked about how easy this diet has been, and all the great progress I’ve made, now I need to tell you about how hard it’s been and where I’ve failed. For the most part I’ve been completely on plan. I’ve felt amazing. My anxiety, which was absolutely killing me, has nearly “cleared up” since cutting out all added sugar and gluten. Last Thursday I went through something, and all weekend I stuffed my face with all of the junk of the past. Friday night I had my first panic attack in months. Saturday and Sunday I was just depressed and spent the entirety of both days sleeping. Monday I woke up feeling like complete junk. My body ached, I felt like crying, and wanted to do absolutely nothing. Instead, I pushed through. I jumped back on plan, ate lots of healthy fats, and today I can honestly say my mood has stabilized, I have much more energy, and I feel love and hope once again. The lesson here, is that when you’re already going through a hard time… don’t decide to eat your feelings my friends. Or instead eat a bunch of berries and healthy fats. My emotions are closely tied with the food I eat. My body can not handle sugar and bad carbs. Now I know this, and it’s inspiration to stay on this healthy plan, because I certainly like me a lot more when I do.
Well, I think that covers… Oh right. I’m getting married! Corey bought me an engagement ring for Christmas, and it didn’t fit, so we didn’t announce it because I was feeling awfully down. After losing about thirty pounds, the ring fit and we announced it (right after Mother’s Day.) A few days later, I went to visit my grandmother… and she pulled out her engagement ring from my grandfather. She opened the box and while looking at it lovingly said, “Now that you’re finally engaged, you can wear this. I was going to wait till I was dead, but you might as well now.” I am in love with that ring, and the love I feel from it makes it mean just that much more. Corey understood completely and had no issue with me wearing that instead of the one he got me. We will be getting married next year on June 24th, and the theme is going to be Wonderland. I’ll be filling you all in on this stuff soon enough, but for now…
Thank you for reading about my crazy life! You are all loved!!