Still a Good Mom…

29e80813-b1a9-489b-af61-442b7ce7dbd5

When I started this blog, I was so sure I’d be a perfect mom. I mean really, the original name of the blog was something like, “Becoming a Young Mom, and How I Did it Right.” Barf! Am I right? It quickly became “How I Did it Peacefully,” because right is a very subjective word, and I mess up all the time. ALL THE TIME. I tried for a long time to still put on a facade. I wanted the world to think I was a super mom. Perfect house, perfect kid, perfect put together life… Well I’m here to tell you, it just isn’t so.

I get angry sometimes. Caleb will be extra clingy for one reason or another, and every hair on my body stands on end. I might even yell. I might even lock myself in the bathroom for five minutes while he cries, because I need five minutes where no one is touching me; poking, prodding, squeezing… But, most of the time I’m not. Most of the time I feel like having this small little boy around me 24/7 is the most awesome blessing that has ever been given to me. Sometimes I’m tired. Sometimes I put the TV on all day long and I just lay on the couch, because the idea of doing a craft or having a conversation exhausts me past my breaking point. TV all day or a mean mom? I’ll go for the TV every time. But, most of the time I’m so happy to take Caleb to the park, play dates, do the newest cool kid craft, or play make believe. Most of the time I don’t ever want him to leave my side.

This is one of the hardest things in the world for me to admit. 99% of the time I honestly don’t feel like I need a break. 99% of the time I really think I’m doing okay. Then that 1% where my nerves are just fried, I wish someone, well someone like his Mimi because I’m neurotic and really don’t trust many people with him, would come get him just for a night. He’s spent maybe five nights away from me since he was born. Maybe ten times he’s gone with her for a day. That 1% of me isn’t a regular thing, and yet I still feel so much guilt about it… but why?

Don’t even get me started on the house. This week we had kind of an inspection. Not on our house from our landlord, but he’s trying to sell the house so the state inspection people had to come and measure stuff. I took three days cleaning the house. Twenty loads of laundry, seven loads of dishes, a full bottle of Windex, and an emptying of the vacuum five times later, our home was presentable. While I was putting away the clothes I ask Corey in exasperation, “How is it that I did all of these things AND went to school when I was younger?” He looked at me and laughed then responded, “You didn’t have Caleb.” I mean, I get the kitchen clean, and every toy is pulled out in the living room. I fold the clothes, turn my back, and the pile has become something to play in. I’m honestly not even mad, in fact I’ve accepted it, but when my house is a disaster (think dishes from a week ago and mysterious sticky spot on the kitchen floor), I’ve been home all day, and I’m still exhausted at the end of the night I do feel really guilty… but why?

This morning I woke up and my house was essentially still clean. The living room has some toys on it. I asked myself if I wanted to pick them up and decided to sit down and watch a movie while Caleb was still sleeping instead. I started to think about all of the things I’m doing wrong. I though about how I lose my patience, or I don’t always make the healthiest foods, or how when his doctor asked us how much milk he drinks, I had no freaking clue. But, I looked around at the fun art on the walls. I looked at the pictures of us together. I looked at his toys and thought about how much I love watching his imagination at work. I walked in and watched him sleeping next to his daddy. He is strong, healthy, and loved. He doesn’t go without. He has at least one close friend, and he has all the family he’ll ever need. He isn’t afraid when I life my hand that he’ll be hit, because we never hit him. He doesn’t have to worry about eating quickly or hoarding food, because we never let him go without. His body is respected. I do everything in my power to raise him peacefully. 99% of the time I succeed, so why do I fixate on that 1%?

… I’m still a good mom.

YOU ARE LOVED

I Help?

c8

I stand at the sink washing the hundredth dish of the night, when this sweet boy comes in. “What you do mama?” he asks me. “I’m cleaning up baby,” I tell him. He walks around for a few minutes, comes and watches me wash a few dishes, and then he takes a few steps back. He asks me, “I help?”

Way to melt a mama’s heart. I told him that he could pick things up from the floor and put them in the trash if he wanted. He did just that, and he did it happily. I thanked him for helping me clean our home. We finished up our work together, and went into the living room to snuggle a while.

I’ve never made him clean up. I will almost always ask him to pick up his toys, and often he will, but if he doesn’t I do it for him. Usually if he sees me cleaning up his toys, he comes to help me. When I do my own household duties, I try my best to do them cheerfully, because I have little eyes watching. He sees me happy to do these things, willing to do all of these jobs to help our home, and he picks up on it. He will now happily help without asking, because we always made it just another part of the day for our family instead of a chore, a pain in the butt, that just had to get done, because I said so.

Our family works together to make a home, and he is part of this wonderful home. And… I am so grateful.

You Are Loved!

Well It Only Takes a Minute

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/fa1/56092879/files/2015/01/img_1178.jpg

When you walk into my home, 80% of the time you will see dishes on my counter and in the sink. I wouldn’t blame you if your first thought was, “Ew, she’s a stay at home mom, is she just to lazy to do her job?” Most the time people actually come right out and say it, others just give me a look like, who are you again? Well, I’m here to tell you that I love doing the dishes and that is exactly why they aren’t done as often as they should be.
First off, we have a dishwasher but I refuse to use it. Since it is there though, it has become our dish rack in order to save counter space. The huge issue with this is my little one year old just HAS to climb into it every chance he gets.
Okay you say, why not just strap him in some where? Oh you mean a jumper or exersaucer he no longer fits in? Sure… Or a high chair? High chairs are great but this little one year old walker boy wants nothing less than to be free on the ground to roam around. He will eat a snack, do a little coloring, but shortly he will become bored and demand to be released.
Now again, I enjoy doing the dishes. It is my time. I love scrubbing away the gunk, the water running and muting the background noise, and being able to complete such a messy task gives me a great feeling. I don’t want to be rushed, I don’t want to listen to my little angel scream to me from behind a gate or strapped into a chair, and I certainly don’t want it to interrupt my play time with him either. So I wait until he takes a nap and I don’t have anything else pressing on my plate. With babysitting, his nap is usually not had at home which is why days can go by before I can get the chance to wash those dishes. I can assure you I’m not lazy, I’m not a bad mom, but I’m not going to sacrifice something I enjoy doing just to please someone coming into my home. Washing dishes calms me. Until I can get to that point, they can wait.
The moral? Well I suppose you can take a few things from this but the big one is to do what makes you happy even if it doesn’t fit someone else’s vision.

Personal Peace and the Affect on Your Home

10409414_718810564847919_1347902511666150574_n

I used to be super anxious when it came to my house. It got to the point I’d force my three week old little baby sit in his high chair, when all he wanted was to snuggle, just so I could get the “chores” done. I cared so much about what others thought that I put my son second. I know, totally doesn’t sound like me right? Well, a lot has changed since then.

My house is what I call manageable now. I get the dishes done when I can so that I can cook. The floors are cleared for my son’s safety. The laundry gets washed and dried about once a week. I’m okay with this though. I am actually a thousand times more okay with it than I was when my house was spotless. There are of course times I wish it was a little cleaner, the times when I haven’t had a moment to myself to get things done and my aunt comes by and makes a comment here or there, but most of the time I’m just happy that I have an apartment to clean or make a mess in.

This feeling of peace though is because I know my son is worth every little comment and every pushed to the side dish. You could spend three hours a day making sure your house is spotless. Even more, you can wait till your child is napping and try to clean in those moments. The sacrifices are great though. If you are always cleaning, those are hours that you could be spending with your child learning something new, playing with trains, reading, or just generally being there for them. If you try to fit it all in while they nap, you have zero time for yourself.

My first transition from cleaning constantly to where I am now had a time where I tried to fit everything into naps. Man was I burnt out. Showers just didn’t happen, I never got to enjoy a book or show, and I certainly had no time to blog like I do now. Thankfully I did get burnt out though. In a way, I just quit and boy did it feel good! My son and I started really communicating, I could relax and even Corey started seeing that I was, “Not so B****y” because my stress levels were much lower.

Now I am not saying to give up on house work all together. I think there is a good medium in there that really can work for everyone. Another big thing, ask for help. Your significant other might just be willing to help more than you realize. Corey has been a real blessing. He comes home from work now and takes Caleb right away out for a walk so that I can shower in total peace. On top of that, he does some of the house work like trash, unloading the dish washer, and even vacuuming.

Either way, as long as you feel happy with the way your house looks and the choices you make, good for you.

Thank You for Reading!

Ms. Stacy and I Love Laundry Day

Image

     I just love the feel of having all my clothes being clean and being able to pick anything I own to wear. It helps keep the stress down and makes the morning decision making go a lot easier. Ms. Stacy here loves to help once the clothes are clean and folded. She swears she is keeping them warm and organized. Yes sometimes I find fur on the clothes afterwards, but she has me convinced it’s from someone else.